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13 January 2010 @ 06:36 am

So, between my last post and now I downloaded an e-book reader from Borders.com.  I went there to browse for books that I wanted.  I got the Vampire Diaries books for Christmas, but I already had the e-book versions so I need to return the hard copies and get something else.  I am one of those people who read a novel once and most likely will never pick it up again (I think Bram Stoker's Dracula and the Twilight series are the only books I have ever read more than once)  So, I typically don't spend money on novels.  Although, there are some that I have paid late fees for that would have covered the cost of buying the book.

I digress, the way this was heading is this:  I found a book called

Bipolar Disorders: Mixed States, Rapid Cycling and Atypical Forms

It's a $100 probably mostly clinical information kind of book.  But it got me to thinking about something from my appointment this morning with my pdoc.  We were discussing my diagnosis and I told her that I was diagnosed with Bipolar I (dx code 296.52) in the hospital, then after a few months of visits and medication tweaking and a review of my symptoms Bipolar II was discussed as possibly being my diagnosis instead since I don't have high high high highs where I'm burning through money and sleeping with anyone that I come in contact with, or go without sleep for days and am doing crazy stuff like mania is depicted as on TV.   But there was never really a change in diagnosis, it was just puzzled over.  Bring in second pdoc (Dr. Asshole)  the diagnosis code was 296.5 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Unspecified.    So, speaking with Karlene about it this morning I told her that I hadn't had what seemed to be a full-blown manic episode, and she started to say bipolar II, and then I said but.... I have mixed episodes.  She was funny and says "Well, you've got Bipolar something I'm just not quite sure what yet."

Here's the issues:

I get depressed.  This part is pretty clear cut, no question about it, flat out across the board depression.  I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, I have issues.

The other pole though, is questionable.

The not-depressed me is something like this:

  • extremely irritable
  • anxious/panicky
  • mood swings
  • controlling
  • overly emotional/dramatic
  • indecisive
  • hyper
  • tired all the time
  • cranky
  • stand-offish
  • amorous
  • did i mention irritable?
  • sleepy
  • want to be left alone
  • crowded
  • restless - but not necessarily bored
  • controlling
  • attention-seeking
  • vocal (yelling)
  • silent (cold-shoulder) - I'm especially good at this one
  • demanding
  • manipulative
  • have to be center of attention
  • easily offended by others' inattentiveness

So, see there isn't any "I'm overly happy and I love everyone and everything and I'm on top of the world!" kind of mood with me.   I didn't even realize I had mixed episodes until recently when I looked back over the past few years and went "ah HA"   THAT'S what happened!!!   I blamed my husband for not listening to me, or paying attention to me, or understanding what I was going through.  I kinda blamed him for being blind to what I was doing in plain sight, while behind his back at the same time.  I used that to not feel guilty about myself or what I was doing.  I used it to justify why it wasn't completely wrong for me to fall in love with you.  The attention-seeking, center of attention, restless, amorous part of me walked right into that.  And the worst part?  I didn't even see it.  I didn't see it as the opposite (while not opposite) of my depression.  I didn't realize I was elated through parts of the depression.  I saw only that I was somewhat more ok.  I saw that when I realized I still wasn't OK on my own and needed meds that they made me different and not in a good way. (Which I chalked up to being psychotic at the time, but now know what the anti-depressants actually swung me more visibly into mania)    The issue though is this:  I know it was all my brain being chemically imbalanced.  But emotions (esp. love) are just chemical reactions in the brain.  So why won't you go away?  I almost always think of you when I feel nostalgic, or am rambling about how screwed up I am.  Or it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.  Maybe it's because I miss being so connected to another human being, and regret for screwing it up.  But then I think if things hadn't gotten screwed up, David and I wouldn't have gone to counseling, and he wouldn't have learned how to deal with me (somewhat), and I wouldn't have learned how to better communicate to him what was going on with me.  I also wouldn't have been diagnosed with some of the things that I have.  Kinda sad about the diagnoses as well... the bipolar was touched on at one of the last sessions that we had with that therapist... and I didn't follow up with it when she left.  I should have.  omgosh this post is terribly skipping.  Falling asleep now that it's morning.

"I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough

but we never had it at all

and the record won't stop skipping

and the lies just won't stop slipping

and besides my reputation's on the line

we can fake it for the airwaves

force our smiles baby halfdead

from comparing myself to everyone else around me"

13 January 2010 @ 05:16 am

I don’t care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here…

Ok, so this doesn’t mean anything specific – just reflective thinking at the moment.  Listening to Radiohead (another ironic song that came up)  followed by Hawthorne Heights – Ohio is for Lovers.

To be followed up with

It Ends Tonight by The All-American Rejects. [I'm thinking maybe it just means that music lyrics mean more in the middle of the night when you're in a certain mood]

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening

I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know


Took a very long nap earlier today (Tuesday) was very tired around 2:30, so went and laid down for a bit. David woke me up around 7pm. I was completely disoriented and thought it was morning, not remembering that I had laid down for a nap in the afternoon. So, we’ll blame my being awake on taking a nap today. (Which, of course, is a complete cop out – If you’ve read any of my blogs you know that I sleep alot during the day and still sleep fine at night) – I also forgot to mention that this was made possible by the fact that he and Angelina both stayed home. Angelina woke up not feeling well this morning (and I am MAJOR congested, like can’t get air through my nose at ALL and my ears keep popping) and David said he would stay home so I could go to my appointment, and that he was going to take off a day this week anyways to go to the college to apply for graduation. (For a degree he completely last spring, mind you.)

So, I got up around 7pm. We had pizza and salad for dinner, watched some TV, sent Angelina off to bed. Ran a couple heroics on WoW, did the weekly raid, he continued to run heroics and I did my daily fishing and cooking quests. (For those of you who DON’T play WoW this will all be gibberish, please ignore the preceding sentence or 2) I got kind of bored just hanging out talking to other guildies so I decided to watch some videos online. Veronica Mars!!!! A few months back I discovered that they have the old episodes online and I spent like most of 2 or 3 days on the sofa watching the entire first and second season (which is all that was up at the time), and finally… after much waiting, season 3 was finally posted on Sunday! So, around 11:30 I guess, I started watching that, David went to bed around midnight, and I continued watching videos. I’ve taken my meds tonight, and I’m just NOT tired. :( So, here I am writing in my blog and listening to Emo music. The following is just what has played out of my playlist which includes almost all music I have WITHOUT all the music I have for Angelina (Enchanted ST, Dora songs, etc etc etc)

So present tunes:

  • Hate Me – Blue October
  • Niki FM – Hawthorne Heights
  • Never Too Late – Three Days Grace
  • I Want You To Want Me – Letters To Cleo
  • The Fight Song – Sanctus Real
  • Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
  • Northern Downpour – Panic at the Disco
  • She’s My Winona – Fall Out Boy
  • Who’s Going Home With You Tonight – Trapt
  • Riot – Three Days Grace
  • Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson
  • Handlebars – Flobots
  • Soul Meets Body – Deathcab For Cutie
  • It’s Not Your Fault – New Found Glory
  • Mood Rings – Relient K
  • She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd                               and, finally (and presently listening to)
  • Basket Case – Green Day

Funny how I listen to music a LOT, and only half the time pay attention to what I am hearing, but that one song catches my attention as ironic, only to look at my play history to find a list like the one above, which turns out to be ironic as well.  Maybe it’s just coz I have mostly ironic emo music on my computer.  But there wasn’t a single Lady Gaga song, and only one Fall Out Boy song (which is really ironic considering a good quarter of the music I have on my PC is by Fall Out Boy [ya know: their 5 albums, b-sides, acoustic versions, covers, Christmas song (Yule Shoot Your Eye Out is AWESOME)])

Hm, 4a.m.  Don’t wanna/can’t sleep.  Not really much to write about (but here I am anyway!)

I shall return.

12 January 2010 @ 08:23 pm

Had the appointment with the new pdoc this morning.  She is actually a psychiatric nurse practitioner but for all intensive purposes I will call her my pdoc. 

So, got to the office a few mins early, none of the receptionists were there yet, I sat for maybe 5 or 10 minutes at most, and she came out and got me.  Went into her office, she was very personable.  We sat and talked as she looked over my paperwork, history, meds, blah blah.  We talked about my symptoms and she suggested a new way of taking my current medications to maybe alleviate some of the side effects.  I really like her.  She's definitely WAY better than Dr. D.  It's still left up to time to find out if she lives up to Dr. C's reputation with me.  I dunno if I like Dr. C so much because she was my first psychiatrist and she was there when I was in the hospital and was nicer and warmer than Dr. Duval who is her partner. 

So, the new med schedule is changing from:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at bedtime

Will now be:

Wellbutrin SR 200mg twice a day

Seroquel 50mg at breakfast, 50mg in the afternoon, 100mg at bedtime

Lamictal 200mg 2 tablets at  bedtime

Zoloft 50mg at bedtime

So hopefully the Zoloft and Wellbutrin will help the symptoms of each other.  And the Seroquel hasn't been seeming to help as much with my irritability so she's adding some during the day, as well as the one at night so I can sleep.  She also told me that if I'm tired when it's time to take the Seroquel to skip it.

Anyway... done for now.

12 January 2010 @ 01:54 pm

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.



Edit: I’ve also realized that some of the post show up with HTML in them.  Will have to fix it one by one later.

12 January 2010 @ 01:49 pm

So, for whatever reason certain blogs haven’t been posting from my e-mail or feeds on facebook, etc.  So I have gone and manually transferred each post across each of my blogs… with that said, some of the timelines are off.   Please excuse me for posting out of chronological order, I’m sorry for any confusion.

12 January 2010 @ 01:27 pm

<b><span style="font-family: Jessica Bold; font-size: medium;">I'm actually really excited  today.&nbsp; New pdoc.&nbsp; If the receptionist/nurse (not sure exactly her  role) is any indication of the rest of the office... I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new  dr.&nbsp; The <i>male</i> doctor is actually not accepting new patients so I  am seeing the nurse practitioner.&nbsp; I think this is wonderful coz she's a  woman, which is what I wanted in the first place.&nbsp; Will update after I get  back!</span></b>

<img border="0" height="221" src="cid:4CC733182D4D40F3A0C7EDC187D01EC4@Beast" style="display: inline-block; float: none; margin: 10px 0px 0px; position: static;" width="262" />

12 January 2010 @ 01:27 pm

I'm trying something new. After Livewriter ate my blog post I thought maybe I would just send e-mail. Not exactly sure why I didn't consider this before.

Aside from that I have been having a lot of thoughts that I wanted to blog about but now that I am writing, I don't really want to write about most of it. I think a lot of it is my late night, I can't sleep, I'm cleaning the house at 3 am, I'm panicking about Angelina's therapist coming to the house tomorrow... for the fact that Ang HAS a therapist... and second coz I'm not comfortable with people in my house. Or, at least not people that I don't know or are there for some purpose besides just hanging out. There are currently about 5 people that I know of that I am not uncomfortable having in my house. Stephen S., Lisa, Stephen G., Crystal, and my mom. There are other people who occasionally come over, but I have to have prior notification and time to prepare (usually while flitting around "cleaning" and really getting nothing accomplished - 'hey, that's why I'm doing dishes and laundry at 3 am') These people include but are not limited to: David's parents, hmm. Okay maybe it's just his parents. Or maybe it's just they're the only ones who come by. I never know what to do when people come over that don't "belong" here. It disrupts the natural balance, and I feel uncomfortable most of the time.

Anyway, there I go again going off on tangents. The main thing I wanted to talk about was hallucinations. I need info. I have been hearing voices. Not like one voice telling me to do anything, but senseless chatter. I hear it at random times, regardless of the volume of the room. Has happened when it's quiet, has happened when I have music on loud. When it first started I kind of brushed it off to being the neighbors outside that I was hearing through the window. That's what it's like, hearing something far away that you just can't quite make out. Or like someone talking in another room with the door closed. I used to look around for a reason like someone talking outside... except it's quiet outside. And the fact that I heard it tonight while I had earphones in with music blasting in my ears and was doing the dishes. And it was 3 am, I know it wasn't coming from outside. Not loud enough to go through the window that's closed, over the dish water I had running, inside my earphones.

The only thing I can think of is that it's an auditory hallucination. But I don't really have much experience with that. I know a few of my readers are fellow bipolar sufferers (or some other sort of mental condition in general) So, my question is whether or not you have experienced this, and whether or not it is something I should be worried about. I have been having this issue for a couple of months, but just realized tonight that it might be hallucinations. I don't remember exactly when it started, but it makes me wonder if it wasn't the Wellbutrin. I started on it again this week.I know when I first started taking the Wellbutrin and was taking it in the morning and at bed time I was have extremely vivid and realistic dreams, to the point that there were things that I questioned whether they had really happened or not, because they were real to me. That stopped for the most part once I started taking the pills earlier in the day.

So, after writing the last paragraph I realized that I have the internet and reliable medication websites (were used at work, as well as at my Dr's office) So according to Epocrates hallucinations are a "severe" adverse effect of the Wellbutrin. Want to look into this more and see if any of my other meds have that as well. I usually don't pay much attention to the "severe" or "rare" side effects because then I start imagining that I have them when I don't (hypochondriac!) And tend to focus on the common side effects : dizziness, insomnia, hypersomnia, drowsiness, don't use heavy machinery, etc. May have to give Dr. Asshole a phone call since I don't have a new pdoc yet. Ugh. He's probably gonna tell me that it's nothing and I'm doing it to myself. Don't want to worry David too much coz I don't even know if it IS a hallucination. Bleh. Anyways... I think I'm done for right now.


12 January 2010 @ 01:26 pm

<a href="http://www.vevo.com/watch/blue-october/hate-me/USUV70600341?w=nolyrics">Hate Me - Blue October | Music Video | VEVO</a>.


I have had this song on my computer for the longest, have always like the song, but only ever really paid attention to the chorus and the music.  I so feel this way sometimes.  Sometimes the most selfless/selfish thing that someone with mental illness can say.  Opinions?  Is wanting to isolate a feeling of guilt for making others around you worry about you, or simply just a need to shut the world out so you don't have to feel it?  I know for me my isolating is a combination of I just want to be left alone, because when I am not left alone I get more upset and end up being more outwardly emotional (angry, yelling, etc.) and I would rather just be left alone.  I would rather someone worry about me, than to know that I am hurting them and see that I am hurting then, while feeling helpless to stop it.  Because then, do I not only feel terrible about the world, I feel terrible for hurting them.  I'm good today. I promise, just pondering.. was making a playlist to clean to and came across this song and wanted to blog about it..   Comments?


Hate Me- Blue October

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you were doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

<em>[Children voices:]</em>
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

Edit: On a funny side note... after that song on my playlist was Boxcar Racer's "I Feel So"